Category Archives: Uncategorized

i have anxiety about posting this

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rule. your. mind. or. it. will. rule. you.

I wish I would have read this quote when I was 13 years old and I would have conquered a lot of my “obstacles” where anxiety paralyzed me to the point where I would only leave our house to go spend time with my horses. Every now and then, I’d get a wild hair to go socialize among the people. I’d QUICKLY make a fool out of myself with how awkward and overly eager I was to fit in with a group of people I had not a single thing in common with. The positives of growing up in a small town VERY much outweigh the negatives but that is one of my very few complaints. I probably wasn’t as weird as I thought (or maybe I was?) but I always felt like I spent too much time trying to mold myself into someone I wasn’t…and as a result, I became an anxious ball of negative and irrational thoughts.

I know I’m not over the hill yet…..BUT back in my day, mental illness wasn’t something people were as open about. I suffered from social anxiety and depression. I felt so much shame and self loathing about the struggles I had when I had nothing to complain about. My home life wasn’t always a walk in the park but I had parents that loved me, a roof over my head, and I was spoiled as hell looking back on it! At some point, I decided to take advantage of the counseling my school was offering. It helped for a short time to be able to express myself to a professional. It wasn’t long before I became vulnerable with this “psychologist”. Slowly the questions that were asked became overly sexual.I wasn’t comfortable and had a bad feeling about the intentions of the questions. I went to the superintendent with these concerns and I was told that “I just wasn’t comfortable in the company of a man”. I had a reputation for being overly dramatic so not being taken seriously wasn’t surprising, I just hope that I was the only one put in that position. So where I had good intentions to get better, I retreated back in my shell and continued to struggle academically and socially. I had nothing but support and love from my family to be whoever I wanted to be…but I didn’t have the resources available to me that I needed to overcome the demons I was fighting inside my head.

My life at 26 is pretty close to perfect. I still lay in bed sometimes feeling like a 50 pound weight is on my chest. I still open the door to let my old friend depression in even though he robs me of the things I love and cherish. BUT as the years have passed, people I love the most have came forward with their struggles. There is no more hiding about the dark thoughts that ruin great opportunities and severe ties with some great people. There is no more shame woven into saying you struggle with mental illness. There isn’t embarrassment in finding help through medication and counseling. We live in a time where we have A LOT of negatives but this is a subject that makes me proud to be around to see the developments that the subject of mental health has gone through.

If you are still living in a a place where you don’t know where to turn or how to express your thoughts, please feel free to get a hold of me at any time! I’m obviously not a professional (I shave dog assholes for a living SO) but I will always make time to listen and never have judgement because whatever bad thought/decision is haunting you,  I’m sure I’ve been somewhere similar!

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The Possessed PinCushion

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The story of Mr. L the Hedgehog:

As some of you may remember, a while ago I made an impulse Craigslist purchase (very surprising for my usual ‘think things through’ attitude😳😜)…and I became the owner of a little hedgehog by the name of Mr. L. Before I purchased him, I was assured he was very friendly once he got used to you. And NO ONE lies on the internet so I did my “hedgehog bonding” research. I met the owner at a gas station where she quickly took the money out of my hand and shoved the cage in my arms without saying more than three words and drove away. It was a little weird but I didn’t put too much thought into it because I was already fascinated with the growling/huffing coming from the igloo. I drove him back to the trailer park while Maddie looked on in horror at her new little brother. When I got home, I immediately cleaned his cage and traded out the “Meow Mix” for a high quality, expensive cat food because my new friend would only have the best. I stuck an old shirt I had worn in his cage so he would bond with my scent as Wikepedia informed me would form a quick bond. I let him settle in for a day before I started handling but I knew he would be calmed down and ready to do fun photo shoots with little hats within the next few days. I was very mistaken. My in depth hedgehog research didn’t mention that it was possible I was getting the tiny minion of Satan. For over a month, he was handled every day and he got meaner as time went on. He would hiss/growl/spit and try to jump at my hands to stab me with his quills. He was a tiny Mexican jumping bean of pain and suffering. As stubborn as I am, it took me about a month and a half to admit I had made a big mistake. Maddie knew it from the start as she attempted to eat him daily. She would jump at him with her stub legs and snap her teeth to only hit her nose on his quills and take off yelping.
So now it was time to rehome him. I posted him on Craigslist sure that he would be a fast seller because who doesn’t want their very own hedgehog. Well it turns out anyone with common sense doesn’t want a satanpig as a pet. Another month went by as I tried to push him onto coworkers, family members, and friends. But the story of his little attitude had made the rounds and it seemed he wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon. In a desperate moment, I considered releasing him into the trailer park but feared he would breed the TP cats and start his own little army to come for his revenge (mean ally cats with quills….yikes). So to save Great Falls from being taken over by hedgecats, I decided that I was stuck with him and to make the best of it.
Finally….the text came. Someone was interested in the ad they saw on Craigslist. I was finally going to be free of the pin cushion who was stinking up my trailer.
But who the text came from was concerning.
The ORIGINAL owner was texting me saying she was looking for a hedgehog.
It took a couple of texts for me to figure out she had no idea that she was talking to the same person she had sold Satan’s lost pet too. I pride myself on being a truthful person with good morals and I may be judged by the “do-gooders” of the world ……but this was a moment of desperation….
She asked where I had gotten my hedgehog and I replied
“a pet store in Spokane”
And then when I said he was a male, she replied
“Oh good! That’s what I was looking for”
Very interesting considering she had recently sold a “friendly” male hedgehog.

We settled on a price $50 less than what I paid for him and made plans to meet up.

I knew I couldn’t roll up in my Buick and pass him off without her remembering my car and what I looked like. So I recruited a good friend to make the pass off.
Then the issue of the cage came up. I had moved him into a bigger cage but he still had the same igloo, food dish, and water bottle he had came with. I knew that would be easily recognized during the handoff but there was no way in hell I was putting more money into this little asshole.
Luckily I had some “animal hair dye” available to disguise him (I promise you it’s very safe , he was a little jerk but I would never hurt an animal). So he was dyed from white to brown so it would be easy to prove it wasn’t the same hedgehog because hedgehogs “don’t just change color”😟.
My wonderful friend was luckily a GREAT actress so during the handoff she played the roll of an expecting mother with too many pets..but very heartbroken to be giving up her sweet baby hedgehog.
The handoff was made. My friend wiped away her tears and waved as Mr. L drove away into the sunset to his “new” life.

I don’t know if it was ever discovered that the new Hedgehog was the infamous Mr. L. I’m sure eventually the dye wore off and his feisty personality shined through.

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I have big boobs….sue me.

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I may be going off on a feministish rant.

 

I am not a skinny girl. I never want to be a skinny girl. I will never give up my pasta and beer. 

Is this off-putting to some of fellow females along with members of the opposite sex? 

Of course. But the real question is do I give a fuck?

I recently posted a picture of a new dress I scored for $15 and I was so excited about it. It was loose fitting but showed off my chest. Not in a trashy way, but in a “I Am Woman, Hear me Roar” type of statement. I received a message moments later saying “You are cute the way you are. You don’t need to run around showing off your boobs for attention”.

For those of who know me well, be proud of me when I say I kept my temper. But it did get me thinking about the double standards that happen when a chubby girl wears a sexy outfit versus a thin girl.

I do not purchase my clothing from the “Tramps R Us” store. I don’t run around looking for what is going to show off the girls and impress all the boys. I wear what everyone else wears, I just have boobs. Did I get them surgically inhanced? Did I hold them up every night for seven years offering my soul to the Devil for a nice rack? Do I buy the triple padded bra just so I can get some attention from OBVIOUSLY respectful males? I was born this way. Did I get a tiny little waist? No. Did I get long lean legs? Yano… I’m a short stumpy kind of critter so I have every right to love myself and wear what I want. 

So why when girls with curves try to look cute we are slutty or desperate for attention? I have every right to wear low cut or tight shirts just as much as the next skinny bitch does. I’m not going to run around in turtlenecks and nun outfits because I’m afraid someone might question my morals. I know who I am and the people who matter and love me know I have the brains to respect myself. 

I think whatever body type you have, you should learn to love it and learn how to dress for yourself. It doesn’t matter what other people think. What matters at the end of the day is how you feel when you look at yourself in the mirror. Just be you, fuck what everyone else thinks. 

 

I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell

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It’s not easy to let down your wall and admit your flaws. But in order to make sure other people know they aren’t alone, I’m going to give people I’m close with and not close with a glimpse inside a problem I’ve been struggling with since elementary school. 

I suffer from depression. 

I’ve had a lot of things handed to me. There are SO many people I know who have had it harder than me. This isn’t a pity post to make it seem like I’ve had a hard life or I was mistreated at any point. I’ve always had a strong support system of family and friends to keep me going and I hope they all know how grateful I am for them. 

I get sad a lot. Nothing bad has to happen to me. I don’t have to have something tragic happen. I will just wake up and just feel sad. It is the kind of sadness that makes it hard to breathe and pulls me away from things and people I love. I try to pull myself out of it but it’s something I can’t help. I don’t do it for attention or for pity. If I could change the hopeless feeling that hits me at random, I would. 

I’ve made a lot of mistakes, I’ve hurt a lot of people, and my list of regrets is longer than the things I’m proud of. I have no excuse for the things I’ve done and I’m not going to just claim “I was depressed”, but I know it had a lot to do with the situations in my life. The problem is that it’s taken me a very long time to admit that I had a problem. I spent so much of my life with a chip on my shoulder claiming nothing was wrong with me and everyone else just sucked. I could have created an easier life for myself if I just would have let go of my pride and admitted I needed help. Unfortunately, I have a stubborn streak a mile wide and decided to screw up opportunities for myself and push people who cared away. I became obsessed with self destruction and clung to the people who weren’t good for me and hurt me because I knew I didn’t deserve love in my life. 

The worst thing that depression has done to me is my need to push people away who care. I’ve ruined countless friendships by saying hurtful things to people who did nothing but offer me unconditional love and support. Those people will know who they are when they read this and I want to apologize for all the words that hurt your feelings. It was like I had no control over what was coming out of my mouth and I just wanted someone else to know how much my heart was hurting. The more friends tried to help, the more I tried to get them out of my life. I can’t understand what makes me do this. Right after I say something hurtful, I’m filled with self loathing which just makes me more bitter. I turn into a flakey, unreliable person. I hide from the world and try to pretend I like what I’m doing to myself. 

Junior high was a tough time for me. I was bullied. And I also bullied other people. I was awkward and tried way too hard to fit into a group of people I didn’t belong with. I wasn’t athletic, I wasn’t pretty, I was overweight, and struggled in school. One time I got ditched at the lunch table where I sat alone trying not to cry into my tater tot casserole, I was taken in by the group of “nerds” in my class who I had previously been so much better than.. (and class of 2011, you know I say nerds with a ridiculous amount of love in my heart for you). Seven years later and that story still brings tears to my eyes because my class brought me out of my depression, stopped my self harming, and made me okay. High school wasn’t an easy thing for me, but with the people I had surrounding me all four years I made it through. 

I went to college in Billings for my first semester. My parents tried to convince me to go to a community college, but I had to go against their advice of course. I didn’t do well there. I was just a number and that wasn’t a good thing for a student like me. I made so many friends and have amazing memories with people I will love forever. But depression hit me for the first time in a long time when finals came and I felt like I was disappointing everyone and proving the people who claimed I would fail right. I made the decision to transfer to a smaller college. The next semester I packed up my stuff and headed for Glendive, Montana. I’d like to tell you I got my shit figured out. I went to class, made a few good friends, and got through the semester. But it turns out depression and alcohol are not something you should mix. I wasn’t an alcoholic, but I used alcohol to cope with missing my friends in Billings and missing my family back home. It was the train wreck you’d expect and I have a lot of regrets of how I spent my time there. 

I headed home and got a few jobs back in my hometown for the summer. I finally was genuinely happy. I trusted everyone around me, I was with my family, I worked hard, and things were going right for me. I made the decision not to head back to school and stay in Denton. I was nice to people, I adopted a dog, I had a great cat, and I just loved my life so much. My wall was down and I had an open heart. Of course, nothing good can last forever. I made some dumb mistakes as time went on and I suffered the consequences. Instead of being mature and facing my problems, I quit my jobs and headed out to our ranch to hide. I spent a lot of my time crying and not understanding why I was so dumb to trust people who were ready to throw me under the bus and talk behind my back. I fell into one of the toughest bouts of depression I’d ever been in and completely isolated myself. My parents put up with a lot of bull shit from me because I was literally an angry bear ready to verbally attacked anyone who questioned anything I did. I went through four months of bitterness till I was offered a job. God put me through hell to bring me to some amazing people I’ve become close with through this job. I pulled out of my depression and started to see the light. I have an amazing support system of people I know I can call anytime of day to help me with whatever situation I put myself into.

I also met a lot of amazing people through Instagram this year. It’s weird to say that I met so many great people through hash tagging a picture of my cat or horse. I met so many people who made me feel like I wasn’t alone and kind things to say to me that helped my self esteem more than they know. 

I’m ready for 2014 to be an amazing year. I have plans that I’m actually going to go through with :). I have an amazing family to help push me towards my goal. I have friends who have my back and love me despite how crazy and overbearing I can get. Thank you to everyone who got through 2013 with me even though I was the most unlikeable person in the world. I love you all!! 

Chubby Girl Confessions

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I. like. to. eat. 

I know everyone enjoys eating, but I’m that girl that constantly has food. Which is obviously a healthy snack like lettuce flakes or carrot sticks (har-har-har mother fucker). Actually my eating habits should have me tipping the scale at 400 pounds but the Good Lord lets me naturally stay border line chubby. And when I make a comment like that about my weight, do not think that I’m saying it to make people reassure me I’m “not fat”. I don’t say I’m fat. But when it’s all said and done, I definitely don’t fall under the skinny category. I have a big butt, big boobs, thick legs, and a waist with a little more than society considers there should be. 

Well fuck society. There is no way in hell I’m going to be altering my body to make other people happy. I like my 1/2 pound cheese burgers and fries. I like steak and potatoes. I like beer. I have accepted the fact that with my lifestyle choices I’m not going to be prancing around in a bikini anytime soon. I have that ginger blood in me so anytime I did try to get into a swimming suit I had third degree burns on my butt and stomach an hour into my “tanning” phase so that’s no problem for me. 

A re-accuring dream for me is traveling through a sea of spaghetti on a slab of lasagna.  Someone who loves pasta as much as me has as much chance at being skinny as my cat Steve does getting fresh with the Queen of England. 

My idea of healthy eating is some extra veggies in my Caesar. 

I have struggled with not being “body image positive”. I’ve tried the cheapest diet of all….self starvation…I got as far as thinking about not eating and ate an entire loaf of bread (it turns out to have an eating disorder you have to have self control). I have tried diet shakes, vitamins, cutting carbs, and one time I devoured an entire cantaloupe in 45 minutes after mis-reading a “body cleanse” manual. I put myself on an all cheese diet once in high school after someone told me cheese was healthy. Mom asked me why I had almost ate an entire block of pepper jack cheese in three days and I told her “Trying to lose a few pounds”. I’m not a person who is meant to change my lifestyle around to lose weight obviously.

So the point of all this nonsense I spewed out is to tell you that I think the key to loving yourself is to do whatever the fuck makes you happy. If having a rocking body is what makes you happy, then do it. If eating chicken wings and not jogging is what puts a smile on your face, then chow down. Be the person YOU want to be. Don’t try to change yourself to fit into society because it’s a losing game .

Thank you for reading!!

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Growing Up

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Life has a way of turning around awfully fast. One day you could be at the top of your game, trusting everyone, and thinking life is one big bundle of sunshine, sparkles, and giggles. And then before you know it, you are kicked down, depressed, and seriously considering becoming a full fledged hermit. I’ve had many experiences similar to that and I’m slowly starting to understand that God puts us in the those situations because he wants us to grow and be a better person. Not every single thing that happens to you is going to make sense, but there are going to be things that happen for a reason and you’re going to understand that later down the road. When it’s happening, it may seem like the end of the world, but I think if you just take a deep breath and put your trust and faith in God, it’ll lighten the load of the burden you’re dealing with. So don’t beat yourself up when you make mistakes, learn from them. If you’re getting through life without making dumb mistakes, then you’re a freak of nature. You can take a bad situation you went through or use a dumb mistake you made to help a friend (or stranger) who is headed down the same road. Learn to be kind to everyone. There is nothing that gets you down more when someone is cruel to you for no reason (to your face or behind your back..), so be a person who says nice things..does nice things.. Smile at a stranger, tell a friend how important they are to you, go out of your way to help out someone who needs its. You can’t change your past, but you can have one hell of a future if you work hard and you’re nice to people. There are going to be people who will try to knock you down no matter how nice you try to be, but let them be an example of who you don’t want to be and don’t sink to that level. I can promise you that you are going to feel better and find it easier to smile if you are using your time on earth to help people out and not bring them down. Thank you to the people who have stuck with me through my not so happy moments lately…You guys are showing me the true meaning of friendship. ❤Image

We’ve all been there

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Tonight I sat down with a good guy friend and discussed how the female and male mind works when it comes to relationships…or “relationships” where they aren’t really relationships because the guy refuses to officially commit but says you are “together” without the label. I’ve been in that situation, and I’ve heard from way too many of my friends using that same damn excuse from this “really nice guy”.

Well here’s where I offend a bunch of girls or make them realize the truth . . .  That is a bunch of straight up bull shit. If a guy claims he’s REALLY into you, but isn’t ready to commit after at least a month, move the hell on. You can waste your time trying to make a guy realize that you are THE ONE who is going to tie him down, change him, or what the hell ever…. but most likely it’s going to end with you crying in your car while blaring Taylor Swift who seems to be the only one who actually understands what you’re going through.

I’m writing all of this from more than one horrible experience where the longer I put up with the bull shit of some chode guy, the more attached I became which made it ten times harder when I realized he was trying to get in the pants of more than one girl. You have to realize that the second you agree to the bull shit “no labels” theory; you are just showing you don’t have enough balls to stand up for yourself. You need to tell him straight up it is going to be the real thing or he can hit the fucking road. If this guy isn’t willing to stick around for a girl who knows what she wants and stands up for herself, he is not worth your time.

So if you are waiting for some guy to come around and realize that he really does want to date you, please stop putting yourself through it. You’re beautiful. You deserve so much better. A nice guy will come along if you let him. Don’t’ push someone who really cares about you out of your life because you want something you can’t have. You don’t need a guy like that around to put you down and lower your self-esteem. You have your family and friends to lift you up and help you realize your happiness shouldn’t revolve around whether that chode has texted you back or not.

“We accept the love we think we deserve”