Monthly Archives: April 2012

Vampire Sex. Whaddup.

Standard

These are my thoughts tonight.

Yes, there is something wrong with me to answer your question when you are done reading this.

#1

When I was young and dumber than I am now, I made the choice to read Twilight and let my silly little mind believe that they were well written books. I soon got over that phase, and decided it was all bull shit and dedicated the rest of my life to making fun of anyone who enjoyed it. But now I’m back in the vampire phase because of the television series The Vampire Diaries. Whoever is judging me right now can suck my dick because it’s amazing. It also reminded me of my solution I had to keep the vampires well fed in the Twilight series. 

Set up a used tampon box outside every public building in the town.

I’m pretty sure a lot more people in those places that roamed among the vampires would be alive right now if someone would have thought of it. 

This would also save a lot more vampires that got a stake through the heart. It’s a win-win situation. 

#2

A loong time ago, my family and I were driving up our gravel road to our house. Our dog of 14 years, Ellie, had ran down the road to our neighbor’s house so she could run along beside us as we drove up the rest of the road. My little brother was being the usual charming creature he is decided to take this moment to scream out a message at our dog while hanging out the window as she ran beside us.

“HELLOOOOOO YA STUPID BUTTHOLE!!!”

That was all fine and dandy, but the problem it was dark out and our dog was black so not very visible. So the moment Tucker decided to scream this loudly, we were driving right by our neighbors house where the guy who lived in the house was standing outside in his driveway watching us drive-by.

Mom yanked Tucker back into the vehicle, and we drove away quickly while hoping to God that our neighbor didn’t think Tucker considered him a “stupid butthole”. 

Dad had to go to the place where the guy worked the next day and explain the whole situation. Awkward turtle, fosho. 

That is my family. 

#3

I have a new dream job. Lemmeexplain.

This summer I was watching the Miss America Pageant for some un-fucking-known reason, and I saw something that angered my greatly.

When the girls did their “special talents” which every single act consisted of singing some stupid song or dancing randomly in a skimpy outfit (I bet a lot of guys watching knew what other talents they had too, heh heh heh) . . . But on the T.V. screen, it would list random facts about the contestant performing. 

It genuinely pissed me off. 

These are some examples of the “random facts”:

“Miss Oklahoma drives a pick up”

“Miss Kentucky can speak French”

“Miss California is allergic to cats”

And then the one that pissed me off the most . . .

“Miss Iowa secretly wishes to swim with dolphins”

Da fuq bitch? I obviously have more damn personality in my pinky toe than she does in her entire tanned, perfect body. That is the most stupid “secret” I have ever heard. Everyone in the world wants to swim with dolphins. That shit does not make you unique and quirky. 

So right in that moment, I decided I wanted to be the person running the “random fact box”.

I would make up facts that people actually WANTED to read about them. 

For example:

“Miss Arizona is addicted to gay male porn”

“Miss Texas has sex with bums to make her rich dad mad”

“Miss Alaska murders seals with clubs”

“Miss Nebraska lost her virginity to her cousin” 

 

Bacon > People

Image

 

Advertisements