Monthly Archives: January 2011



i hate driving in cities.

i absolutely hate it. i don’t care if i’m driving a tiny geo metro with me being the only one on the road.

so when my dad got the bright idea to have me drive our gigantic dodge  in ….not denton….not lewistown.

but great falls. (dad was working at the MAGGIE so he said he didn’t have time to be my chauffeur. psh)

i’d say the time he decided to re-pierce my nose with a safety pin was a better idea than this one. (and keep in mind that ended with me running through the house screaming with a saftey pin hanging out of my nose)

sooo….despite my protests and fake tears, he sent me on my way to mcdonalds ALL ALONE.

i ended up getting to mcdonalds without crushing any small animals or smashing into any cars because i got the break and clutch pedal confused (not that i accidentally put a trailer hitch through the radiator of our geo because of this mistake or anything).

i started to get some confidence and actually felt kind of bad ass in the dodge.

i puffed my chest out, turned up my music, and turned into mcdonalds!

…………and then found out i’d pulled into a part where cars were only supposed to come OUT…..and the angry lady in her minivan let me know with her violent hand motions and eventually the middle finger.

so i panicked and was too terrified to back out into the street, so i drove around the mini-van super bitch, and was going to make a fast attempt at parking.

well kudos to the person with the giant ford pick up for ruining my LIFE. i attempted to park to next to the fellow giant, and ended up parking extremely crooked with my tailgate merely inches from him. so i decided to back up and try to straighten myself out. and realized all the honking was because i had blocked the drive-thru.

this is when my cool, calm attitude i had going on gave me the big fuck you! and left town.

i started bawling because obviously it was going to help in this situation, and stalled the pickup while trying to move out of the way of people who acted like i had kept them waiting for hours. it was only like two….three…..approximately eight minutes. it was a saturday morning…who the hell is in a hurry on a saturday morning? the crowd who gathered by the windows sure didn’t have anything going on as they all pointed at me while laughing. after backing up numerous times, crying, yelling at my dad, and punching the steering wheel. i ended up parked next (way too close for comfort) to the ford. i sat in the pickup and took some deep breaths before i got the balls to walk into mcdonalds.

i swear as soon as i walked in the place went SILENT and everyone looked down trying to hide their “what a fucking moron” smirks. but i kept on going straight to the bathroom and hid there until i was sure the owner of the ford was gone and couldn’t find me. (i wish i was kidding)






negative attitudes are the worst, and that’s what i’ve had lately. and i’m  going to change that. but first i’m going to say
fuck the:
-dumb girls
-problem i have with numbers
-same old routine every single day
-need to pretend i’m friends with people i don’t like
-patch of ice i slipped on and how horribly bruised my knees are
-stupid guyyy who insists on fucking with my head
but life gets better right? we all have our downer moments i suppose.

dear dubble bubble


this is a legit letter i submitted to dubble bubble for a creative writing project where we wrote letters to companies regarding their products my sophmore year. and of course i sent mine.

Dear Dubble Bubble,

I have a few questions about Dubble Bubble. I’m sure you are aware of the old Nickelodeon show “Hey Arnold”. I’m sure you’re wondering why I’m bringing up a television show to a bubble gum company. I was wondering if you remembered when Helga (with the one eye brow and charming personality) made a sculpture out of her one desired love Arnold out of bubble gum. I thought this was the best idea ever, and I’m currently preparing to make a sculpture of MY crush using bubble gum. Since he doesn’t appear to be very interested (probably just shy, you know how it is sometimes), I thought this would be good enough! I have run into some difficulties on deciding which bubble gum I should choose. I am going to be buying a LOT of bubble gum (I’m prepared to spend my life savings), so I want to make sure that I’m not wasting my money. The question is how well does your gum hold up when it comes to making life size sculptures?  Thank you for your time.


Mac Miller

Annnnd…..the reply

“Unfortunately, we have no information regarding the use of our product in such a manner. Sorry we are unable to assist you”


night two…


it’s my second night of sleeping in my blanket fort.

luckily, my dad is aware of what it is now…

this morning when he woke up and walked into the office to see all my blankets spread across chairs and figured i spilled some water on my blankets, and i had them there to dry.

in the words of my brother “does he think you’re that smart?! alzheimer’s must have caused him to forget that you act like you’re seven.”

anyway, he went to move the blankets and ended up stepping on me. he jumped three feet in the air when he heard “hey, what the hell are you doing?!”  and then he ripped my blankets down in fright. i was pissed to say the least…but after some careful planning and crafty work, it’s rebuilt!

i have allllll of my harry potter books, an endless supply of candy, and my panda jeff who i made at build a bear.



Who needs to study for a stupid government test when reading about narwhals for hours at a time is going to be a lot  more benificial in my adult life?

I’ve decided the only thing that will ever make my life feel complete is owning my very own narwhal!

Mom said that if I bring one home, she’s kicking me out. Considering I haven’t decided on whether I want to be a drug dealer or a Disney channel star yet, I have to obey her rules . . . even if they do crush my dreams. I came to a realization though. My dog Mollie doesn’t have anything important going on. All I ever see her do is sleep in my bed, and go outside when she is absolutely forced. So why can’t SHE pretend to be a narwhal till I get a place of my own? I am kind enough to let her sleep in my bed all the time, so I think she can manage to let me tape this card board wrapping paper tube on her head for the time being.





I need a time machine…pronto!!!

Let me give you some legitimate reasons why I need one. . .

First of all, I need to go back in time to see if my suspicions about Pauly Shore being my biological father is correct…

Originally, I was convinced my dad was Dog the Bounty Hunter. But looking back, I’m pretty sure that was wishful thinking. Don’t EVEN judge me for that! Herrooooo.

Anyway, after watching my most favorite movie in the world Son in Law over and over again I have noticed SOOO many similarities between Pauly and myself. The body movements and facial expressions we have are way too much are alike for me not to wonder.

I brought this up to my mom, and she mentioned that random drug tests may start happening in our house if I keep my crazy shit up.

So reason number TWO I need a time machine . . .

I would use it to fast forward me the “insert f bomb” out of that hell hole they call HIGH SCHOOL immediately. I’ve kept a sunny, up-beat, positive attitude about this shit for the past three years (…not all the time….or most of the time…but some days it happened). Four years is enough, and I think it might be starting to show through my attitude. Actually, as many detentions I’ve gotten for being late and skipping class I’m pretty sure the teachers have caught on. Plusssss, the word is I’m starting to get a little sassy. God forbid I use any form of sarcasm. Some people should have asked Santa for a SENSE OF HUMOR for Christmas.


I’m sure I could think of a billion more ridiculous reasons for why I need a time machine, but my busy social life is demanding my attention. (…or the Penguin and the Pebble is on……..)