Monthly Archives: November 2010

I LOVE MY MOM

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I apologize for my lack of posts for the last month. As you all know, my popularity keeps me very busy. I have so many friends I don’t even know what to do with them.

Lies.

Actually, my virtual cat Leonard (I’m allergic to actual cats so this will have to do) keeps me busy. He’s a demanding little asshole! The good thing about having a virtual cat is that he can’t croak on me. Our family pets have a tendency not to last that long. Maybe I’ll be the first person to end up killing as virtual cat though. Nothing shocks me anymore.

I’m lucky Mom even let me on the computer after our little spat today. I was a sickly child this morning. Out of the kindness of my heart, I made a personal sacrifice to stay home to avoid getting any of my fellow school-mates sick. (No need to thank me Denton High School). Mom violently screamed at me that having a runny nose didn’t give me a good enough reason to stay home while I cowered in a corner as she threw a chair through a window. She’s a tad bit dramatic. Anyway, while she was in the bathroom getting ready for work I put on my muck boots, jacket, and grabbed my Penguins of Madagascar backpack. I walked into Mom’s bathroom and said my farewells and was sent off with a middle finger from my own mother. So instead of heading out the door, I went straight to my room. I put my muck boots, back pack, and Penguins of Madagascar in my closet and got my pajamas on. I got my book, a bunch of blankets, three cans of Dr. Pepper, my hidden candy stash, and was ready to camp out between my wall and my bed for the rest of the day. So I was probably there about an hour taking cat naps, reading, and laughing about how dumb my mom was when the phone rang.

Any other time I would have been sick, a teacher wouldn’t have even have thought to call my own home and ask why I wasn’t at school. But of course, since I have the worst luck ever and seem to never get away with anything, a concerned teacher decided to make that phone call. I figured it was Mom’s parole officer calling again when I heard her pick up. (Love you Mom), but my jaw dropped when I heard the words come out of her mouth, “What do you mean she’s not at school?”. I thought of packing my bags right then and there, sneaking out my window, and going to live my dream being a pantomime in Bora Bora. The concern and worry in my mother’s voice made me change my mind thinking there was a good chance she’d be overjoyed to see me sprint out of my room in slow motion. I figured she’d run towards me (also in slow motion), and we’d have a tearful Lifetime movie mother/daughter moment. WRONG. It seemed to slip my mind that my mother has the red-head temper. So as I started my run out of my room, I made it half way down the hall before she turned around and saw me. Once I saw the steam coming out of her ears and the fire coming out of her nose, I decided Bora Bora was the better option here. It was too late, Dragon-Lady already had me in her sight. There was no escaping. It was time to face the music.

This music I had to face was probably a death metal/screamo type of remix. With some polka in there, because it’s horrible and slightly terrifying.

It was rough in the beginning. After we decided that I’d buy her booze with the money I was saving to donate to children in Africa, all was well in the Miller household.

(For the record, I exagarated on some of this just in case you are that stupid and didn’t get that. And Mom, please don’t kill me. I love you so much. Hahahahaha)